Modern Relationships With Outdated Blueprints

Many of the people I sit with often feel they are failing at relationships. They ask themselves and their partners, "Why is this so hard for us?" The reality is, many of us didn’t inherit models for modern relationships. 

Our parents and grandparents didn’t have dating apps. Their generations couldn’t have foreseen the unique pressures of dating and loving today. They didn't have to navigate the exhausting paradox of choice, the ease of swiping someone away, which lets us simply move on to another partner in a world of endless alternatives.

We are also a much more transitory generation. It's common to move across the country for school or jobs, leaving our family of origin hundreds of miles away. It isn’t uncommon for our grandparents and often our parents to have had a village. They grew up surrounded by parents, aunts, and childhood friends down the street to absorb the impact of life's crises. Today, when a child gets sick or a career changes, couples often handle it alone. There is no local grandparent or kickass gay uncle to take the kids, and no lifelong neighbor to drop off dinner.

This isolation puts an unprecedented strain on modern romance. We often rely on our partners to be our best friend, co-parent, financial partner, and emotional rock, all while acting as our entire community. It can be an impossible standard.

How do we thrive in partnership today? We need to be open and honest with ourselves, and our partners, with what we can reasonably expect from one another. We need to get in the habit of asking for help. As the world becomes more remote, we need to be intentional about getting out and maintaining our romantic partnerships, as well as our larger social support system of friends and family who are local. The people who can show up when inevitable challenges arise.