Change is Hard

In my late 20’s, I decided to train for and run a marathon. It was a lot of work and resulted in quite a bit of change to my body. The process was really hard, but rewarding in a lot of ways. During this time, I was surprised at how often people would make unsolicited comments about my physical transition. Most often, they were seemingly positive, but not always. But many people felt empowered to make comments about my shape, my weight, and my evolving looks. 

Sometimes, when we decide to make an intentional change—whether it’s starting a new exercise routine, setting healthier boundaries, or stepping into therapy to take an active role in our life—there’s a narrative that it’s going to feel entirely liberating. And it often does. But there is a hidden, uncomfortable tax on self-improvement that we rarely talk about in advance: the pushback from the people around us.

As you begin to change, you might notice subtle shifts in your relationships. Sometimes it is a direct comment – "You've changed," or "You used to be more fun". Other times, it’s passive-aggressive, like a sarcastic comment when you choose a healthy meal or a heavy sigh when you firmly protect your schedule. It can feel deeply disorienting when the people who claim to care about you seem uncomfortable with you intentionally working to become a more authentic version of yourself.

Here is the fundamental truth: Their reaction is almost never actually about you.

Relationships establish a certain equilibrium, a shared script. When you change your behavior, you inadvertently rewrite that script without consulting them. Your growth forces a mirror up to their own lives, routines, or choices. If you are starting to say "no" to protect your peace, the person who used to benefit from your lack of boundaries is naturally going to feel the friction. It evokes discomfort in them, and their pushback is simply an attempt to pull you back into the old version of you that kept them comfortable.

There are ways we can step into our most authentic selves and still show up for those that actively resist the change.

First, it is important to acknowledge the pain we sometimes feel when those we care about resist the positive changes we work to make in our lives. But we also need to not let it steer us. It hurts when loved ones don't validate our progress. Allow the feeling of disappointment, but don't let it convince you to stop. Notice the sting of their words, breathe through it, and still choose your next step.

Ask yourself: What kind of person do I want to be in this life? What matters to me? If vitality, self-care, or emotional honesty are your compass metrics, let those values dictate your actions—not the temporary comfort of others.

Practice kind firmness. You do not need to become aggressive to defend your progress, nor do you have to swallow your needs to keep the peace. You can be deeply kind and incredibly firm at the same time. Try responses like, "I know this looks different than what I used to do, but this is what I need to do for my health right now."

Choosing yourself doesn't mean causing harm to others; it simply means refusing to live a downsized version of your life just to make someone else comfortable. Keep moving forward.