Managing Relationship Uncertainty
I had dinner at a favorite restaurant of mine recently. The place is amazing, with wonderful food and great views of the city. Seated next to me was a young couple, I assume on their first date. I did my best not to eavesdrop, but being about 6 inches from their table made it challenging not to listen in. So I did. I was so grateful the food and views were amazing, because this date was painful to sit through.
The date felt like a rigorous interview process. Both individuals took turns questioning the other about their travel histories, professional ambitions, and five-year life plans. It was evident that this was not their first time delivering these responses; each answer felt practiced, automatic, and highly polished.
As I observed, an internal judge kept saying, this isn’t gonna work. It wasn’t a lack of compatibility—I had no way of knowing how well they suited one another. Rather, the disconnect stemmed from a lack of genuine active listening. They were exchanging pre-packaged questions and answers, treating the date as an assessment tool to see if the other person fit into a rigidly defined life plan. The underlying subtext was clear: Will you benefit my career? Do you share my exact travel preferences? Do you eat the same foods? They were looking for immediate alignment on every single line item.
However, rigid checklists rarely set the foundation of a deep, enduring relationship. A small part of me wanted to intervene and encourage them to shift their focus toward a different question: What would it look like to evolve together? What could be learned by navigating new travel experiences as a team? What growth might happen if they introduced each other to entirely new perspectives, rather than simply validating trends seen on social media?
Reflecting on this experience later (and cooling my internal judge), I realized how frequently friends and clients express this exact anxiety. People often question the long-term compatibility of their partners. They report that things are excellent in the present moment, but they feel immense pressure and uncertainty about the future.
Ultimately, it would benefit us to not struggle with the question of will we be compatible. Instead, can we focus on how we evolve together. How do we continue to be compatible? Life is inherently uncertain. We will never know the future, but we can make deep commitments to being uncertain together.
